I feel alienated in my family. How do I overcome it?

Feeling alienated in your family. How do you overcome it?

Anyone can sometimes feel alienated within their family. If you're struggling, I hope this article can help you a little in resolving your concerns.

・Reasons for feeling alienated

Sometimes I wonder if my family really needs me.
They say "good morning" to each other but not to me. My wife and I ate cake by ourselves.
These are very small things, but words and gestures can make me feel excluded from the circle. The more I cherish my family, the more I feel a sense of alienation, almost like jealousy, wondering why this is happening.
Does anything similar happen to you, the reader?

From here, we will explore instances where one might feel "left out" and discuss possible solutions.
I hope this can contribute to a brighter tomorrow for you.

・Lack of confidence

In my school days, I was what you might call a failure. Not only in academics, but also in sports and romance, everything I tried went awry.
Spending my youth like that, I inevitably became a ball of inferiority complex, thinking, "I'm a useless person."
Because I lacked self-confidence, I always lived timidly and nervously.

Even when asked to do something, I'd start with "What if I can't do it?" which would make it even harder to accomplish, creating a vicious cycle I couldn't escape.
Others might see my good points, but I, having no redeeming qualities, couldn't have confidence "in life itself."

・Difficulty trusting others

A while after I started high school, a classmate I had finally gotten used to said to me, "I heard you were bullied in middle school."
It came out of nowhere.
I thought I was having normal conversations, and I didn't remember being particularly bullied, but the people I thought were my friends apparently didn't think highly of me.

Although it shows I was naive, that confiding conversation, those smiles, were not hands extended from the heart.
From then on, I stopped smiling genuinely and started interacting with people in a way that I "wouldn't get hurt even if betrayed."

・Desire for recognition

When my son started high school, my wife, who had been a full-time housewife, started a part-time job, and I began to help out with household chores a bit.
I only wash dishes and vacuum, but I still get thanked.

Living in a world where things are often taken for granted, and it's expected that you just do them, being thanked brought back feelings I had almost forgotten, realizing how wonderful it is to be appreciated.
It's often said that Japanese people are not good at expressing their feelings verbally, but perhaps a simple "thank you" can be a message that "you are welcome to be here."

・Difficulty expressing one's opinions

In conversations between a married couple, it's common to hear both "I didn't mean it that way" and "You shouldn't talk like that."
This usually happens when I'm struggling to express myself, start to feel a bit frustrated, and my words become sharp.

Indeed, there are many times when I myself feel, "I shouldn't have said it like that," and gradually, thinking "I might say something unpleasant again," I start to close up and swallow what I want to say.
And then, by overthinking my words, I end up conveying less than half of what I originally wanted to say, sometimes giving up with a "Never mind," stopping the conversation midway, and spending the day in self-loathing.

・How to overcome alienation

Feeling alienated depends on how you interpret the other person's reaction to your actions.
Even if you try to be positive, if the other person's reaction is cold, it won't last long, and there's no point in continuing to be positive.
However, if you still cherish this person and want to maintain the relationship, don't give up and keep trying to connect.
If it's your family, try waiting at the dinner table until the last person finishes eating without getting up.

By doing so, some kind of conversation is bound to emerge.
At first, it might just be "What?" or "Nothing, really," but gradually it will turn into a conversation. At breakfast, you might talk about the day's plans, and at dinner, about what happened during the day.
If you're a student, try starting by saying "Good morning" when you arrive at school. You might get a smile back one out of a hundred times.
Please keep this in mind as you read the rest of the article.

・You don't have to be liked by everyone (in the case of family)

As my children grew, our conversations gradually decreased.
My wife and children seem to converse more with each other than with me. Even when I say "good morning," my wife says it to them herself, but I don't even get a reply.
So the action I took, as I mentioned earlier, was to stay seated at the table until the end of the meal.
Meals, especially breakfast, are times when you inevitably see each other.

At that time, I would ask both my wife and children, "Do you have club activities today?" or "What time will you be home?" or anything.
Eventually, they start telling me things like, "I'll come straight home today," or "My shift today is XX."
Then, I might suggest a family plan like, "Let's go to *** next time."

Usually, my wife has the final say, so it doesn't always go smoothly. But if it doesn't, I try to involve the children and present it to my wife, which can strengthen our bond.
This also strengthens the bond with my children.
Don't give up; keep speaking to them.

・You don't have to be liked by everyone (in the case of friends)

As you go through school life, it might feel like all your time is for school, and even more so, that your friendships are everything.
So, a classmate's word or gesture can feel like it defines your position, leading you to constantly adjust your thoughts and actions for your classmates.
I assert this:
It is absolutely not necessary.
You are free to act as you wish.
It's okay to say you like what you like, and dislike what you dislike.

Likes and dislikes are your "individuality itself."
That individuality is important. You yourself might like the individuality of the person in the front row, but find the individuality of the person next to you difficult to deal with.
You are also seen in the same way.
Time spent with similar personalities is very enjoyable, and conversation flows easily, making you forget the time.
However, you might also be liked by a personality you find difficult.

These clashes of personality help you develop and broaden your humanity.
By "interacting" (not conforming) with personalities that don't align with yours, you can spread your wings even wider.

・Talk to a friend about your worries

Although the title suggests talking to a friend about worries, I actually don't confide in friends much.
The "friends" I mentioned earlier started having the same worries once they entered the workforce, and on weekends, we would complain to each other.
However, even when we complained about our superiors, we never showed weakness.

Even if I did, the friend would say, "Well, me, I..." implying they had it tougher, leading to the conclusion that "they have it tougher, so I'm not so bad, I can't lose to them."
Gradually, a strange pride emerged, making me think, "I'll show them I have it tougher," and before I knew it, our drinking sessions became bragging contests about who had it worse.

So, even now that we're married and don't keep in touch much, somewhere in our hearts, we encourage and are encouraged by each other, and we each think, "I'll build a happier family than them." Or at least, we should.

・Find something you can be passionate about

When you're deeply troubled and can't find a way out, having a hobby you can lose yourself in can be a great help.
Cooking, reading, watching movies. Some might even say cleaning.
Focusing on one thing allows you to temporarily forget about unpleasant work and bothersome relationships.

Humans are strange creatures; even when we think we're concentrating, our minds seem to wander elsewhere, and suddenly, a good idea might emerge.
Also, concentrating can be quite physically demanding. After an hour of work, you might be utterly exhausted and not even feel like thinking about anything.

・Specific solutions

For those who say, "I don't have any hobbies like that," here's a suggestion.
How about taking a stroll?
Not a strenuous walk, but a leisurely stroll.
Why not start with 5 minutes one way, making it a 10-minute round trip?

Once you get used to it, gradually extend the time. When you can walk for about 15 minutes one way, you'll be able to explore various routes.
The season and time of day ensure no two scenes are ever the same. It's also fun to take photos of the scenery with your mobile phone as you walk.
If you share new discoveries in your neighborhood with your family, your emotional distance will surely shrink.

And if you want to deepen your bonds even further, try camping. Camping, which involves working together, is very effective for strengthening family ties.

For those who want to solve their problems immediately, phone fortune-telling is also popular.

It can be used for just a few hundred yen, so if you're tired of worrying alone, it's worth trying.

See details about Coconala's phone fortune-telling