Parenting policy and what to do if there are differences between the couple

Strategies for dealing with differences in parenting styles between spouses

Differences in parenting styles are a particularly common cause of marital conflict.

"That's not a good way to put it."
When correcting children, we sometimes end up saying things like this to each other.

I understand the intonation and word choice, and what you're trying to say, but I'm careful to consider the impact on the child.
It's quite common, especially when children are young, to find yourself nitpicking and making critical remarks, which can easily lead to arguments in front of them—a completely counterproductive outcome.

The influence of parents' words and expressions on shaping a child's basic character and fostering their emotional development is immeasurable.
When we think about our children's future, we can't help but become anxious and nervous, wondering whether they will grow up to be anxious and timid, or to grow up vibrant and confident knowing that they are loved.
This tendency is particularly pronounced in families with their first child, where there is often little time or resources available.

Common parenting approaches

Common parenting styles include patterns such as academic excellence, athletic ability, and good interpersonal relationships.
However, as children grow, parents realize that this was their own ego, and gradually one parent pursues an ideal while the other teaches the child a more realistic perspective. I would like to describe how parents can reconcile their differing viewpoints in this way.

·education

My wife and I raised our children with the intention of having me dedicate myself to sports and my wife to academics.
When I was little, sports were just things like running around in the park, and the goal was simply to improve my basic physical fitness.

My wife would plan how many minutes each grader (first grade) and how many hours each grader (sixth grade) would study.
After that, my child became more interested in studying than sports, so I gradually shifted towards what interested my child.
However, children generally dislike studying. They want to play soccer, play games, and use their smartphones—there are so many temptations.

I myself was always pressured to study simply because "you'll be in trouble in the future," so studying was nothing but painful for me. This is even more true for children in today's world, where there are so many temptations.
So, how did I get my children to study? I told them to study so that they would be prepared for whatever profession they might pursue in the future.
To put it in extreme terms, I've said that even if you become homeless, probability theory in mathematics can be useful for finding scraps. The same applies to film directors and athletes. Academics are useful for presentation and analysis.

While homelessness is an extreme example, I have repeatedly explained to my child, until they fully understood, why they need to study, so that they don't limit their own options and can be a good adult no matter what kind of person they become.

・ Social relationships

Parental influence only really lasts until about the middle of elementary school.
From that point on, I'd say my friends had a significant influence on me.

Whether a child loves studying, sports, or anime, who do they associate with, and who do they associate with, and how do they influence others?
The crucial point is to provide them with a framework for thinking about and setting criteria for finding friends.
As our child entered adolescence and struggled with friendships, becoming withdrawn and depressed, my wife repeatedly asked, "What's wrong? Is something the matter?"
Since it was a matter concerning my child, I decided to remain neutral and observe, believing it would be better for them to resolve their own problems.

I told my wife to "leave me alone for a while," but she interfered to the point where I felt she was being overprotective.
Ultimately, my wife's overbearing behavior became the catalyst for building a relationship where we could talk about anything later on.
It's crucial to have a relationship where you can notice changes and offer advice by having many conversations in your daily life.

The key at that time is to avoid talking in generalities or idealistic theories.
It's important to share not only your success stories, but also, from time to time, stories about things you've done that have caused you to fail.
By doing so, parents can also develop a sense of self-affirmation, realizing that "they've made mistakes" and "they can start over."

・Extracurricular activities

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but we're not very wealthy, so we couldn't let our children take lessons based on their interests and passions like other families do.
Nevertheless, my wife actively encouraged our child to attend courses and programs organized by the city and the social welfare council.
When it came to commuting, I insisted on taking the bus and my wife driving me there and back. To my wife, who said, "If you want to take a day off, then take one," I replied, "Once you've decided, you have to go without taking a day off."
Here again, independence and support clash.

I also wanted my children to try the sports I had experienced, so I showed them DVDs from a young age.
However, he himself is diligently drawing pictures right beside me. Every single day, completely spontaneously.
I used my allowance to buy paper, and my New Year's money to buy 60 colored pencils. Gradually, my drawings went beyond mere doodling and eventually led to me winning the top prize in the prefecture.
If a child is interested in something, they will develop it spontaneously without their parents having to force them to do it. They will find learning materials on their own, and in this day and age, they can learn all sorts of things on the internet.
The important thing is not to discourage the child's interests.

Sometimes you might be tempted to say, "Stop studying!", but even adults sometimes want to go out for a drink to unwind.
When I think about it that way, I can overlook things like drawing on the edge of a notebook or on the back of a printout.

- Diverse education is possible precisely because of differences.

"There's no need to get angry about something like that."
When you correct a child, you often end up saying this to each other.

However, something that may not seem like a big deal to you can be very important to someone else.
As mentioned earlier, this can lead to arguments.
All of this stems from their concern for their child.

My wife has her own feelings for her children, and I have my own feelings for my children.
Without thinking "that person is no good," I want to continue to be involved with my wife and husband, respecting their respective approaches and keeping in mind that everything parents do is for the sake of their children's future.

• Communication between spouses is important

(The issue at hand is not a difference in parenting styles, but rather how each person deals with their differing opinions.)
On the nights we've scolded our child, my spouse and I discuss why we did so.
Sometimes we talk until 1 or 2 in the morning.

Otherwise, when your child does the same thing again, they won't have a standard to follow, which will only confuse them.
The next time I scold my child, I can say to them, "I think this is what Daddy was trying to say," which helps us both understand why they were scolded and to think together about what we should do differently in the future.
I've written a lot, but in the end, my husband and I came up with only three answers.

Specifically, this includes things like greetings, how to hold chopsticks, and how to take off your shoes.
As long as this was achieved, it meant letting them do whatever they wanted, following their interests.

That's the last gift you can give your parents.
Of course, I want them to study.