How to deal with differences in parenting approaches between spouses

Coping strategies when parental styles differ between spouses

・Differences in parenting styles are a common cause of marital disputes.

"That's not the right way to say it."
When correcting our children, we sometimes say this to each other.

We understand the intonation, word choice, and what needs to be said, and we try to correct our children while considering the impact on them. However, we often end up nitpicking and having arguments in front of our children, which is counterproductive, especially when they are young.

The impact of a parent's words and expressions on a child's fundamental personality and emotional development is immeasurable. Whether a child grows up feeling anxious and timid, or confident and vibrant, believing they are loved, we tend to become overly sensitive when considering their future. This tendency is particularly pronounced with first-time parents who lack experience.

・Common parenting styles

Common parenting styles often aim for academic excellence, athletic prowess, or good social skills. However, as children grow, parents realize that these are often their own desires, and gradually, one parent seeks to fulfill their ideals while the other encourages a more realistic approach for the child. This article will discuss how parents reconcile their differing views.

・Education

My wife and I raised our child with me wanting them to excel in sports and my wife wanting them to focus on academics.
When they were young, sports for me simply meant running around in the park, aiming to improve their basic physical fitness.

My wife, on the other hand, made plans for studying, like "X minutes for first graders" and "Y hours for sixth graders."
Afterward, our child showed more interest in academics than sports, so we gradually shifted towards their interests.
However, children generally dislike studying. They want to play soccer, games, and use their smartphones; there are many temptations.

Since I was "forced" to study simply because "you'll struggle in the future," studying was nothing but painful for me. This is even more true for children in this day and age with so many temptations.
So, how did we get our child to study? We told them to study so they would be prepared for any profession they chose in the future.
To put it extremely, I even told them that even if they became homeless, probability theory in mathematics would be useful for finding discarded items. The same goes for movie directors or athletes. Academics are useful for presentation and analysis.

While homelessness is an extreme example, I have consistently talked to my child about why they need to study until they understood, so that they can avoid limiting their options and become whatever kind of adult they want to be in the future.

・Friendships

Parental influence typically extends only until the middle of elementary school.
After that, the influence of friends largely takes over.

Whether a child grows up loving studying, sports, or anime, and how they associate with others and influence each other, the crucial thing is to provide them with the "mindset" for choosing friends.
When our child entered adolescence and became withdrawn due to struggles with friendships, my wife kept asking, "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
As for me, I remained hands-off, believing it was something our child needed to work through and solve on their own.

I told my wife to "leave them alone for a bit," but she continued to interfere to what I thought was an overprotective degree.
Ultimately, my wife's over-involvement became the catalyst for building a relationship where our child felt comfortable telling us anything.
It is crucial to have frequent conversations in daily life, notice changes, and be in a relationship where you can offer advice.

At that time, it is important not to speak in generalities or ideals.
It is crucial to share not only your own successes but also times when you made mistakes. By doing so, parents can also develop self-esteem, thinking, "I made mistakes too," and "It's okay to start over."

・Extracurricular Activities

Embarrassingly, we are not very well-off, so we couldn't let our child pursue every extracurricular activity they were interested in, unlike other families.
Nevertheless, my wife actively enrolled them in courses organized by the city and social welfare councils.
Regarding transportation, I insisted on taking the bus, while my wife advocated for driving them. My wife would say, "If you want to take a break, you can," while I would say, "Once you've decided, you must go without missing."
Here, independence and support clash once again.

I also tried to encourage my child to do the sports I had experienced, showing them DVDs from a young age.
However, they were diligently drawing pictures right next to me, day after day, completely on their own initiative.
They bought paper with their allowance, 60-color pencils with their New Year's money, and their drawings gradually surpassed the level of doodles, eventually winning the top prize in the prefecture.
If a child is interested, they will grow on their own initiative, even if their parents don't try to force them. They will find their own learning materials, and in this day and age, they can learn many things online.
The crucial thing is not to deny their interests.

Sometimes we want to say, "Stop playing around and study," but even adults want to go out for a drink to relax.
When you think about it that way, you can overlook a little drawing on the corner of a notebook or the back of a printout.

・Differences allow for diverse education.

"There's no need to get angry over something like that."
When correcting our children, we often say this to each other.

However, even if something seems minor to one person, it can be very important to the other.
As mentioned before, this can lead to arguments.
All of this is out of concern for the children.

My wife has her own feelings about our child, and I have mine.
Instead of thinking, "That person is not doing it right," I want to respect both my wife's and my own approaches, and continue to be involved with the awareness that everything parents do is for their child's future.

・Spousal communication is crucial.

(The problem is not that parenting styles differ, but how spouses deal with differing opinions.)
On the evening of a day when we've disciplined our child, my spouse and I discuss why they were disciplined.
Sometimes we talk until one or two in the morning.

If we don't, and the child does the same thing again without a clear standard, it can confuse them.
And the next time we discipline them, we follow up by saying to the child, "I think Dad/Mom was trying to say this," to confirm "why they were disciplined" and "think together" about what to do next.
I've written a lot, but ultimately, the answer my wife and I came up with consists of only three things.

Specifically, greetings, how to hold chopsticks, and how to take off shoes.
As long as they could do these things, we decided to let them pursue whatever interested them.

That is the last gift we can give them as parents.
Of course, we still want them to study.