How to resolve marital arguments: Why my marriage is still happy after more than 10 years

How to Resolve Marital Disputes: The Secret to a Harmonious Marriage After 10+ Years

This time, we interviewed a camper in their 40s who has been married for over 10 years and has a high school-aged child.

A harmonious home doesn't mean there are no arguments. As different individuals, there will always be times when you clash.

Even so, how can we support each other?
I hope this serves as a reference for how to overcome marital arguments.

・Reasons for a Harmonious Marriage

My spouse and I are often told, "You two get along so well."

While it might be taken as just a polite remark, when I look at other relationships, I do think we get along a bit better.

I think that's probably because we value [listening to each other].

・How to Resolve Marital Disputes

When my wife and I argue, her anger often lasts for a long time.

When she's angry for too long, I sometimes become calm and look at the argument objectively, finding it so ridiculous that I almost laugh. I'm careful not to actually laugh, as that would only prolong the argument.

As I calm down, I find myself more able to accept my wife's often incoherent angry words. After letting her express everything she wants to say, I then share my feelings, perhaps by asking, "Is this what you mean?"

Even then, with blood rushing to her head, she'll often retort, "No, that's not it!" and the argument doesn't easily settle. This back and forth continues for a while.

What I value here is to [accept more than I want to be accepted]. This is very difficult to do, easier said than done.

It would be easy when calm, but it's not something you can easily do when your mind is disturbed. That's why it's important to calm down.

It's hard to recognize when you're being emotional, but if you can't calm down, take a break and let yourself settle.

I want to value what my wife is earnestly trying to tell me. The basis of communication is words.

Words are tricky; they can't even convey half of what you're thinking. And by the time they're voiced and reach the other person's heart, they're often communicated differently.

That's why we argue repeatedly, talk repeatedly, and little by little, we come to understand each other. It's truly little by little, but we don't give up and we keep talking.

Within my wife's angry words are insights that can foster my growth—things like "this isn't good about you" or "I want you to change this about yourself."

I accept these, and then I offer words that encourage our growth as individuals, saying things like, "I want my wife to be like this," or "I want you to change more here."

・Causes of Marital Disputes

In my case, arguments usually start with me saying, "That's not how you should say things."

Then my wife says, "I didn't mean it that way," and I ask, "Then what did you mean?" This leads to a tit-for-tat exchange. Since we're both heated, we get [ticked off] and end up saying unnecessary things we don't really mean, making it impossible to resolve.

The conversation often strays so far that I forget what started it, and even what I wanted to say myself. This "tit-for-tat exchange" is the cause of marital disputes that nobody wants to hear.

I think it's difficult to completely eliminate this, so how we resolve arguments when they happen becomes important.

・Why Listening to Your Partner is Important

As a method for resolving marital disputes, I mentioned that listening is important.

The reason why listening to your partner is important is because when we argue, I try my best to convey my feelings to my wife, and my wife also tries her best to convey hers to me.

That's right, both of us are trying our best to communicate. If it were a work connection or a temporary relationship, we could just grumble behind their backs, saying, "They said this," or "They don't understand."

But we are [husband and wife]. We vowed "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."

If a loved one is struggling to express their feelings, we should offer a helping hand. Let's calmly listen to each other.

・Each Argument Strengthens the Marital Bond

Since we've vowed to walk together as husband and wife, we should strive for a relationship where we don't belittle each other, but rather foster each other's strengths and support each other's weaknesses to grow.

For that, we need to [talk]. We need to express our thoughts as best we can.

If you can understand their feelings, and if you can accept them, you will become stronger, your relationship will improve, and the thread of your bond will become thicker.

Marital arguments can also be an opportunity for both of you to grow and strengthen your family's bond. Let's all strive to maintain a good home.